In recent years, the idea that maintaining a positive mindset can lead to success, happiness, and well-being has become pervasive. Social media platforms are filled with motivational quotes, affirmations, and the relentless message that positivity is the key to a fulfilling life. But there’s a lesser-discussed side to this cultural obsession with positivity: toxic positivity.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, one should maintain a positive mindset and suppress negative emotions. It’s the overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state that dismisses or denies the very valid emotions of fear, sadness, anger, and grief.
It’s very important to know that positivity is extremely helpful for well-being and is not inherently harmful. Positivity becomes problematic and toxic when people are forced to deny their authentic experiences in favour of a falsely optimistic narrative.
The Harms of Toxic Positivity
- Suppressing Emotions: One of the most significant dangers of toxic positivity is suppressing your genuine emotions. Research has shown that individuals who regularly suppress emotions are more likely to experience symptoms of depression and anxiety (Braunstein et al., 2017).
When people are told to “just stay positive” or “look on the bright side,” they may feel compelled to hide their true feelings. Over time, this can lead to emotional numbness, anxiety, depression, a deep sense of isolation, and even physical health issues such as stress-related illnesses (Katz & Campbell, 2021). - Invalidating Experiences: Toxic positivity can also invalidate the experiences of others. When someone is going through a tough time and they are met with phrases like “It could be worse” or “Think positive,” their struggles are minimized. This invalidation not only dismisses their pain but also suggests that their feelings are not valid or important.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that emotional validation—acknowledging and accepting one’s emotions—leads to better emotional well-being compared to emotional invalidation, which is often a consequence of toxic positivity (Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2011). - Creating Shame: When the expectation is to always be positive, people may start to feel ashamed of their negative emotions. They may believe that they are failing or that something is wrong with them for not being able to maintain an upbeat attitude at all times. This can lead to a cycle of self-criticism and a reluctance to seek help when it’s needed most.
Research indicates that toxic positivity can contribute to feelings of shame, especially when individuals feel pressured to hide their true emotions (Tangney & Dearing, 2002). - Straining Relationships: Toxic positivity can strain relationships, as it discourages authentic communication. When someone feels that they cannot express their true feelings without being judged or dismissed, it can create a barrier to intimacy and trust.
According to a review in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, individuals who suppress negative emotions due to societal or relational pressures are less likely to seek social support, which is a key factor in resilience and coping with stress (Kross et al., 2011). Relationships thrive on honesty and understanding, and toxic positivity undermines these foundations.
Recognizing Toxic Positivity in Yourself and Others
Toxic positivity can be subtle, and it often stems from good intentions. However, it’s crucial to recognize when positivity crosses the line into toxicity. Here are some signs to watch for:
- Dismissing Negative Emotions: If you find yourself or others frequently dismissing negative emotions with phrases like “Don’t worry, be happy,” or “Good vibes only,” this could be a sign of toxic positivity.
- Avoiding Difficult Conversations: When uncomfortable topics are avoided in favor of maintaining a positive atmosphere, it can be a form of toxic positivity. This avoidance can prevent meaningful dialogue and resolution.
- Forcing Positivity on Others: Encouraging others to “stay positive” when they are clearly distressed can be harmful. It’s important to allow people the space to express their true emotions without pressure to conform to a positive narrative.
If you liked this, scroll down to LEARN THE CHANGE for more examples and what to do instead.
Embracing a Healthier Approach to Positivity
Instead of striving for constant positivity, a healthier approach involves embracing a full range of emotions. Here’s how to cultivate a more balanced mindset:
- Acknowledge All Emotions: Understand that it’s normal and human to experience a wide range of emotions, including anger, sadness, and fear. These emotions serve a purpose and can provide valuable insights into our needs and boundaries.
- Practice Compassionate Listening: When someone shares their struggles, practice compassionate listening. Validate their feelings, offer support, and resist the urge to immediately “fix” their emotions with positivity.
- Promote Authenticity: Encourage yourself and others to be authentic in their emotional expression. Creating an environment where it’s safe to express both positive and negative emotions fosters deeper connections and personal growth.
- Balance Optimism with Realism: It’s possible to maintain a hopeful outlook without denying the reality of a situation. Balanced optimism involves recognizing challenges while still believing in the possibility of positive outcomes. Research on psychological flexibility—the ability to adapt to changing situations and balance both positive and negative emotions—has shown that individuals with higher psychological flexibility are less likely to suffer from anxiety and depression, highlighting the importance of acknowledging and processing negative emotions alongside positive ones (Kashdan & Rottenberg, 2010).
Conclusion
Positivity, when applied with nuance and care, can be a powerful tool for well-being. However, when positivity becomes toxic, it can do more harm than good. By embracing the full spectrum of human emotions and fostering an environment where authenticity is valued, we can move away from the pitfalls of toxic positivity and towards a more balanced and compassionate way of living.
LEARN THE CHANGE
Real Examples of Toxic Positivity and What to Do Instead
1. Downplaying Grief with “At Least” Statements
When someone has experienced a loss, comments like “At least they lived a long life” or “At least you have other children” may seem comforting but can actually invalidate the person’s grief. These statements imply that the person should focus on the positive aspects rather than fully experiencing their loss.
What to Do Instead:
- Acknowledge Their Pain: Offer statements that recognize the depth of their loss, such as, “I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.”
- Offer Support: Let them know you are there for them by saying, “I’m here for you if you want to talk or need anything.”
- Listen Actively: Provide a safe space for them to express their feelings without judgment or interruption. Simply being present and attentive can be incredibly comforting.
- Validate Their Emotions: Affirm that their feelings are normal and acceptable by saying, “It’s completely understandable to feel this way. Take all the time you need to grieve.”
2. Pushing Positivity in the Workplace
In some workplaces, there’s a culture of enforced positivity where employees are expected to maintain a cheerful demeanor, regardless of their actual feelings. For example, an employee may be told to “Keep smiling!” after receiving harsh criticism, discouraging them from addressing legitimate concerns or frustrations.
What to Do Instead:
- Encourage Open Communication: Foster an environment where employees feel safe to express concerns and frustrations. Managers can say, “Let’s discuss what’s not working and find solutions together.”
- Provide Constructive Feedback: Offer balanced feedback that acknowledges strengths and areas for improvement without undermining the employee’s feelings.
- Support Emotional Expression: Recognise and respect the diverse emotional experiences of employees by allowing space for honest discussions about workplace challenges.
- Promote Psychological Safety: Create policies and practices that prioritize employee well-being over maintaining a facade of constant positivity.
3. Forcing Positivity in Illness
When someone is dealing with a serious illness, they might hear things like “Just stay positive!” or “Everything happens for a reason.” While these comments are often well-intentioned, they can pressure the person to suppress their fear, sadness, or frustration, making it harder for them to process their experience.
What to Do Instead:
- Express Empathy: Say things like, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. That must be really tough.”
- Ask How You Can Help: Offer specific forms of support by asking, “Is there anything I can do to make things easier for you right now?”
- Listen Without Judgment: Allow them to share their feelings openly, whether they’re hopeful, scared, angry, or anything in between.
- Acknowledge Their Experience: Validate their emotions by saying, “It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed in this situation. Your feelings are valid.”
4. Minimizing Everyday Struggles
Toxic positivity can also show up in daily interactions when someone shares a minor frustration or stressor, and the response is something like, “Just be grateful you have a job!” or “Others have it worse.” These remarks dismiss the person’s feelings and discourage them from expressing normal, everyday emotions.
What to Do Instead:
- Validate Feelings: Respond with, “I understand that must be frustrating,” or “That sounds really stressful.”
- Offer Supportive Presence: Simply say, “I’m here for you if you want to vent or talk about it.”
- Encourage Healthy Coping: Suggest taking a break or engaging in a relaxing activity, saying, “Maybe taking a short walk would help clear your mind.”
- Avoid Comparisons: Focus on their experience without comparing it to others, recognizing that everyone’s feelings are important and deserving of attention.
5. Reluctance to Acknowledge Systemic Issues
In broader societal contexts, toxic positivity can manifest when people respond to systemic problems like inequality or injustice with comments like, “Let’s focus on the positive” or “Don’t dwell on the negative; things will get better.” This can downplay serious issues that need to be addressed and silence those who are advocating for change.
What to Do Instead:
- Acknowledge the Issue: Recognize the validity and seriousness of the concern by saying, “These are important issues that need our attention.”
- Engage in Constructive Dialogue: Encourage open discussions about the problems and possible solutions, asking, “What steps can we take to address this?”
- Show Support for Advocacy: Express solidarity with those working toward change by stating, “I support your efforts and stand with you in seeking justice.”
- Educate Yourself and Others: Commit to learning more about the issues and spreading awareness, demonstrating a proactive stance rather than dismissing the problems.
References
Braunstein, L. M., Gross, J. J., & Ochsner, K. N. (2017). The neural bases of emotion regulation: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 143(6), 738–774. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000103
Katz, J., & Campbell, D. J. (2021). The effects of emotional suppression on psychological and physical health outcomes: A meta-analytic review. Health Psychology Review, 15(3), 349-374. https://doi.org/10.1080/17437199.2020.1827937
Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865-878. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001
Kross, E., Ayduk, O., & Mischel, W. (2011). When asking “why” does not hurt: Distinguishing rumination from reflective processing of negative emotions. Psychological Science, 22(6), 710-718. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797611405670
Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional arousal. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163-183. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2011.30.2.163
Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and guilt. Guilford Press.